My story- From the time I was pretty small, I was an anxious kid. Fear led me around by the hand. Heart racing and frozen, I heard someone creeping up our stairs every night. I worried my father, a federal agent, wouldn’t come home from work, my mother, an ER nurse, would get sick, and my house would burn to the ground. I spent a good part of my childhood waiting and watching for something bad to happen. As a teen, these fears stayed close. They offered me migraines, hives, and a variety of social issues. In college, they encouraged me to drop classes, avoid public speaking, change my major, and gave me a lot of sleepless nights. Fast forward to marriage and motherhood, my constant fears of failure, sickness, and something horrible happening made everything more challenging. The joys I felt were quickly tackled by my thoughts of What If…

I had pretty much everything I needed and wanted, but all I could feel was fear.

When my son was two, I mentioned to a doctor (for the first time) how I felt. His response was kind and reassuring. I was surprised when he said I wasn’t alone. No one had ever talked to me about anxiety being treatable. I soon found relief in medicine and therapy. Both gave me the push to start learning about anxiety and talking about it more openly. I realized for the first time I didn’t have to feel the way I was feeling.

Marriage, motherhood, teaching, life- it all became so much better. Not easy, just better. I wasn’t cured. I continue to tend to my anxiety daily.

When my second child started exhibiting signs of anxiety, sadness, and then determination set in. I hated the fact that she most likely inherited her worries from me, but if nothing else, 30 years of untreated anxiety taught me how important it is to receive help.

I had a variety of tools that were working for me, but she was three. We needed different strategies and support.

Later, we’d come to find out she not only had anxiety but Sensory Processing Disorder. What follows are the tools we’ve found to be helpful. I am not a medical professional. Nothing in this post suggests a cure or diagnosis.

If you are anxious or have an anxious kid, know you are not alone. There are a number of resources available. Many more than were available twenty or thirty years ago. We can and must talk about it.

There is no shame in naming fears, no matter how irrational they may feel. No shame in not feeling joy when you have a good life. No shame in needing a therapist, in taking medicine, in needing support.

Not sure if your child has anxiety- Worry Wise Kids offers a list of red flags. Be sure to talk to your child’s doctor as well!

Tools to Help Anxious Kids

We’ve used or continue to use every resource listed below. For me, a variety of resources is necessary. They have all, in their own way, been extremely helpful.

Take Care of Yourself

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is in order to help my child with her anxiety, I MUST tend to my own.

It’s not easy, but if I don’t, my worries trigger hers and hers mine.

Another thing I’ve learned is we can work on our anxiety together. The tools I use can often be modified to help her. The resources I find for her are often incredibly helpful to me as well.

However, this is SUPER important-  I don’t ever process my anxiety with my child. That isn’t fair. She should never have to hold my fears like I hold hers. When we use tools to help her, my focus is on her. What I receive, I process later, on my own or with my adult support.

Strategies

These strategies work well when we’re feeling anxious. I’ve found If we practice and use these strategies when we are feeling good, it’s easier to use them when we aren’t.

Breathing

• Breathe deeply and slowly while you count backward from 10-1
• Breathe in for three, pause, breathe out for three
• Breathe in and out, drawing a square in your mind. 
• Breathing tool– a friend gave us one of these, and Sophia likes it a lot

Visual Charts

• Create or buy a mood chart– Use emoji faces to show a range of emotions and let kids check in with themselves often to pay attention to how they are feeling and why
• Create a color or number chart- Use colors to help kids determine how they are feeling. Practice breathing exercises to help them see if they can change colors or numbers.

Food

What we put in our bodies matters. With that said, we don’t want to make our kids more anxious by restricting foods or obsessing about what they eat.

• Let them try foods when they are ready
• Keep favorite foods in the house
• Sneak in healthy foods. I add frozen cauliflower to all of our smoothies. There is no taste or color change. 
• Use electro lights to keep hydrated

Listening

Make sure you and your child have someone who will listen and acknowledge how you feel. Sometimes, someone simply saying, It stinks to feel this way. You are not alone. is exactly what we need.

Time

Going places, doing something new, or just having to transition quickly can bring up anxious feelings. Be sure to give your child plenty of time to transition. 

Certain activities can take longer as well. For instance, I know shopping for clothes is going to take a lot of time and possibly several trips. Knowing this, I plan for it. 

Stacking one activity on top of another may be too much. My child needs time for herself, by herself, to feel her best. 

Stay Away From Shaming

As emotionally exhausting as it can be to be around someone who is constantly anxious, we have to watch our words. No one is trying to be difficult, and if they are, there’s something else going on. Avoid shaming phrases like-

• You’re too sensitive
• Buck up, man up, stop being a baby
• Get over it
• What’s wrong with you
• You just want attention

Don’t Punish

Anxiety and the behaviors that come with it can be challenging. It’s okay to have a child take a break or to take a break yourself, but make sure the child knows it’s to help everyone calm down and feel better, not because they are doing something wrong.

Find Calm First. Address the Issue Second. 

When my daughter is having a really hard time, I’ve found the best thing I can do it let her know when she’s ready, I’d love to read a book with her. Reading to her and snuggling offers almost an instant calm. By the time we’ve finished a book or three, she’s ready to address the worry or problem she’s having much differently than if we didn’t calm down first.

Watch Comparisons

It can be easy to fall into the “Everyone else’s child _______” mindset. I remember feeling this way when my child wanted to do dance and gymnastics but would not leave my side and screamed when she had to wear the required clothing. I’d see the other children in the gym playing and having fun and start to feel self-conscious. Everyone has something they are struggling with. Comparisons only make us lose patience and feel crummy. 

Books & Journals

We have used all the books and tools that follow and have found them helpful. There are many we have not found helpful. No worries; they are not included, but if you have a resource that has been helpful to your family, please feel free to share it in the comments below. 

Good Night Yoga: A Pose-by-Pose Bedtime Story

No Worries- An Activity Book for Young People Who Sometimes Feel Anxious and Stressed

Planting Seeds- Practicing Mindfulness with Children

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids)

For Adults~

10% Happier Revised Edition: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works–A True Story

10 Mindful Minutes: Giving Our Children–and Ourselves–the Social and Emotional Skills to Reduce Stress and Anxiety for Healthier, Happy Lives

A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life

Big Magic- Creative Living Beyond Fear

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (for Moms, for Women)

Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: A 10% Happier How-to Book

Peace is Every Step- The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

Steady Days- A Journey Toward Intentional, Professional Motherhood

The Anxiety Toolkit: Strategies for Fine-Tuning Your Mind and Moving Past Your Stuck Points

The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution

The Gifts of Imperfection- Letting Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

The Opposite of Worry- The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears

Online Resources

Big Life Journal

Go Zen– Online Programs for Children with Anxiety

Go Zen Podcast

Good Night Rebel Girls Podcast

Peace Out Podcast

Headspace App

Supplies

Chewy Necklace

Journals- to draw or write down their worries

Coloring Books

Therapy Brush

Weighted Blanket

Worry Stones- a simple stone to keep in their pocket works great. They can rub their fingers or hold them when they need to.

Rings- as a young adult, my daughter has found rings can be a good tool to fiddle with.

Anxiety is a trickster. It says it wants to keep us safe. It says it should lead and choose the life we live. It lies. Anxiety shows itself in a variety of different ways and appears when things are hard or when nothing is wrong at all. For some of us, it comes and goes. For others, it’s moved in and has no plans to leave. Thankfully, there are resources to help keep anxiety from choosing our path. We can take the lead and help our anxious kids do the same.